a window opens

i guess if there's something that you have to know about me, it's that i do not change my decisions easily.

regarding certain issues at least. hmm regarding what issues??

issues that i've made up my mind on. the reason why i can seem very wishy washy most of the time is because i haven't made up my mind on those issues. and i leave it open. anyone can influence my opinion easily.

but regarding issues that i've decided on, which happen to be very few, i'd go through with my decision even though i would have to grit my teeth through hell. cause and effect.

some might ask, why put yourself through the pain? when you see an alternative that might be better or glazed with honey? well. is it a question of accountability, or simply an issue of egocentricity?

i guess it's a combination of both for me. i've made my decision, what will others say when i change it again so easily? am i someone who cannot stand by her decisions? i want to be taken seriously. i want others to know that once i've decided on something, no one can change it. and even if it is a bad decision, if i have to suffer the consequences, i will not hide and try to escape. i will go through it with my face held up high. pride and dignity.

the only thing that i have to say about my decision this time round is that it was expressed in quite a crude way. and more thought could have been put into it. i did put thought into it, just that i could have spent a few days thinking about it before stating my stand. i guess it was an unfortunate mix of having the right people, feelings, past events, frustrations, and a clouded view of the future.

...or was it fortunate?

following through my decision, we will see how the sails of my ship will change with the winds 6 months later. but well, to be more pragmatic, inputing external factors, i'd say 1.5 years later. haha! it just gets longer everytime, doesn't it :)?

whatever it is, i just hope that i aint an old obaasan when everything's resolved. i have a limit to my youth ok! youth is important to me! AHH! heh heh heh

oooh but time can be bent! hmm. maybe i should go to outer space for 10 years and come back younger than all of my peers bwahahahahaaa. hey, then i can have a shot at all of those cute boys who are all younger than me now! man, i love theoratical physics! -cue evil laughter-

talking about physics, my brother borrowed A Briefer History of Time from the library. apparently it's easier to understand than A Brief History of Time, woohoo. i must read it. hmm maybe i should give myself some time everyday to read it. haaaahh.

oh anyway, i am seeing certain aspects of myself more often these days. and i detest those parts of me(no i'm not referring to the fats that stick out of my tummy area). and whenever i start behaving or thinking in that way... boy. i feel super ugly. i'm just so ugly. and i get so ashamed of myself. i must learn. to be a better person.


As my soul heals the shame
I will grow through this pain
Lord I'm doing all I can
To be a better man