growing up

so my mom says. part of growing up. or rather, i MUST grow up.

sigh. hate this. i suspect 3/4 of my energy is spent in such useless ways, thus decreasing my ability to concentrate and absorb info.

maybe i should go on the search for other pastures? the unfortunate need to be understood and accepted. guess the problem lies within myself being unaccepting.

why why why why.


just not in my face, can?

the feeling of having no one to turn to. lonely, no?

and so my heart closes

sometimes i wonder... what's the point of having friends? or more of, what's the point of having these particular types of friends? do they care anyway?

i guess the most important is still family and loved ones. only they bother to listen and really care.

it's so hard to be nice when i feel sidelined.

patience? training? f*ck it.

ok... despite the curses, i guess taking it as training is the only way i can get through it.

with such things happening again and again, i can feel it. my heart is closing up again. layer by layer.

i'm sad. and despite it all, i want people to know, and to care. despite myself trying so hard to act nonchalent, to act as if i'm happy and it doesn't matter. try and try and try. and it still hurts. hurts. hurts.

hurts.