Move on and fly

It's a friday evening. PE ended at 4:45pm, and I've spent my time thinking, reflecting, and surfing the BrightSparks website.

It's 5:40pm now, and I haven't bathe.

I'm afraid. So afraid. I haven't voiced out my fears to anyone for so long, other than to my mom yesterday. I'm afraid because everyone's lack of faith in me is getting to me. You can look at it as they are just being realistic, or they really believe that my life ought to be directed in another direction, in order for me to fly.

I don't want to talk about it here, for i do not want to attract even more negativity from everyone else regarding my decisions.

It's so hard to have faith in yourself when no one else does.

Yet again, if you don't believe in yourself first, who else will?

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Today on my way home, I was looking through my mobile phone, scrolling through the same old messages that always make me grin like an idiot and make my heart go racing like a happily deluded fool; those same messages could also dig my heart out, thumping dully and painfully where the stab was made.

Sometimes the events are exclusive and independent. Sometimes, they happen at the same time.

Amazingly, I didn't have the same attachment to them anymore when I looked at them today. I could never bear to delete any single one of them, although sometimes when my inbox is getting grossly obese and about to burst, I'll delete some of them reluctantly. Even when it was causing tears to well in my eyes and making me feel worse than being dead, I couldn’t bear to delete them either, for they made up me. Somehow, I was afraid that if I deleted them, I’ll lose my memories and the link. I’ll just lose it.

It’s been about 2 weeks. And I did it.

I deleted them. All of them, with the exception of two.

I didn’t do it with hate, anger, or simply ego. I did it with a thankful smile. And I meant it.

As I read every single one of them, I recalled how I felt when I received them last time, how joy surged through my entire self and how much love I felt. in turn, I passed the ball over with love. Now, I read them with joy and love. And I deleted them with satisfaction, for I’m truly happy that I’m even blessed to have ever received such sweetness and joy in my life. I was ready to let go.

As I did what I did, sometimes the memories will tug at my heart, and I guess there was a longing to be transported back to the past. But that longing did not cling on to me like a jealous child, but it accepted what was and what is and what has to be. And so the child passed on what was hers to wherever it’s to be, being contented with the memories that she has had with it already.

I will not forget, I still love ; and I am at peace with myself.

Life is beautiful though it has its ups and downs. Truly a riveting roller coaster ride which leaves you breathless- because of its speed, surprise, and breathtaking views.

…Remember?


“Move on and fly.”

…I will. Thank you. –smiles-

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It's 13 minutes to 7pm. Now, I shall bathe.

:).