Friends (and Resolutions)

i feel that the distance between me and my friends is growing. for good friends, it depends, some of the links are still strong. for others, the bond has come to pass.

i have to admit it's of my own doing, for i start to distance myself from others because i feel that they are understanding me less and less. sometimes, it's tiring to explain to everyone about what has happened (or is happening) in my life, repeating and explaining at length again and again. also, it doesn't help when sometimes you feel that they aren't so concerned with you. their "hey how have you been doing!" or "what's up?" are just their way of being polite. in the end, i don't feel like talking about myself, i'd rather listen to them (which is what they really want and i happen not to mind, saves energy HAHA), and thus the communication is only one-way. and when they misunderstand me and my actions, all the more i feel sick of explaining.

of course, gems do appear occasionally, where they really want to listen and understand me. a real delight sharing our experiences together. how i miss those sincere and heartfelt conversations where we really want to know each other.

it's pretty sad, really. but i guess i've gotten used to it, and i'm still in the process of accepting it. after all, friends come and go, nothing is permanent. interestingly, i'm not feeling the need and urgency to catch up with all my friends, and to hold on to them. in fact, i'm trying to slowly disengage myself as i prepare to leave. who knows if this is for the better or worse. haha.

perhaps my attitude is out of fear. fear of rejection, and of loss.

may i grow to be more independent, to be a person who does not have to seek approval from others in order to feel good and accepted. may i be a person who cherishes The Moment, instead of being like those who miss and wish to go back in time, or those who hang on and hate the past. may i always remember the Nature, and work towards a happier existance, and in turn allow the people around me be happy.

wow, is that my new year's resolution? haha! ok. that's probably it, even though i wasn't thinking of making resolutions consciously. well done. haha. (ok shall add that in the title then :p)

anyway, the bf will probably say that i'm thinking too much, hahaha! which is true. thinking about oneself is the cause of suffering!

i remember thinking to myself that my friendship with A is becoming more and more awkward and that's it, we're drifting and there's no return. and my friendship with B is going to stay strong for years, even though we might not keep in contact all the time. guess what? the situation is the exact opposite now! lol! proves how impermanent things can be and we shouldn't judge people and things. i should just be happy if things are going well, and equanimous if things aren't. of course, put in effort as well lar.