and so my heart closes

sometimes i wonder... what's the point of having friends? or more of, what's the point of having these particular types of friends? do they care anyway?

i guess the most important is still family and loved ones. only they bother to listen and really care.

it's so hard to be nice when i feel sidelined.

patience? training? f*ck it.

ok... despite the curses, i guess taking it as training is the only way i can get through it.

with such things happening again and again, i can feel it. my heart is closing up again. layer by layer.

i'm sad. and despite it all, i want people to know, and to care. despite myself trying so hard to act nonchalent, to act as if i'm happy and it doesn't matter. try and try and try. and it still hurts. hurts. hurts.

hurts.

stressed stressed stressed fear fear fear arghhhhhhhhhhhhh

what i like in men

random factoid of the day:

i realise what are my weak spots in men.

1) i love veins. woohoo. those lovely protruding veins in the arms... in the groin crease... gaah. i half suspect that it's got to do with me doing iv cannulation. ppl without easy to find veins? eee unattractive HAHA.

2) the forearm muscles. ooo. especially when the guy wears a long sleeve shirt and rolls it up to his elbow, exposing just enough of his forearm. *slurps*

well so far these are my favourites. anything else is a bonus. LOL.

wow, i sound like a pervert.

XKCD: Friends

maaan. this is hilarious. i wonder if this is how i function as well! LOL.

check http://xkcd.com/ for more comics

accommodation

ohh the situation's so messy

i can't wait for september for only ONE reason. so that i can settle my accommodation for next year.

how i wish everyone can decide and the results of our placement would be out soo! but oh wells, can't be helped.

it makes me feel like simply applying for malaysia so that my accomms would be settled. BUT even then, my place in malaysia won't be guaranteed.

urgh. pissing off.

sometimes you think you are doing something good, to make certain people happy. but a lot of times, you unknowingly hurt others around you in its process.

i guess it takes a certain amount of tact. perhaps those who are hurt have their own issues to settle as well. anyway, carry on and do what you think is right, but wait for the right time and place. or perhaps privacy.

on separate note, i'm truly frightened. oh well.


++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++


whoever's reading this, please don't read too much into this. this is 99.9% not about you. and it's based on separate, unrelated events.

yet again, i doubt anyone reads my blog anymore! which is good! then i won't hurt ppl unknowingly hahaha.


++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++


met up with good friends ytd, and will be meeting a lot more in the next 2 weeks. really glad to be meeting up with people that i would never have done so in the past. too much fear then. the fear and insecurity is still there, but it's less. and heck it! let's have fun :).

man, it's gonna be a race to the 12th. so many things to do and to complete, and before you know it, it's time to fly. kinda liking this :).

tame the ego, and be less defensive.

ahhh. stupid ppl just got to make it up by putting in more effort. time to buck up, and may my hardwork pay off!

like porcelain

so fragile.

*pouts*

i'm UNHAPPY :(.

raaawwwwrrrrrr!!!

my latest goal

learn to be emotionally independent!!!

Say No to Rape

Haven't been up to date with Singapore news lately. Just heard about the furore on the marital rape immunity law in Singapore. I was truly appalled, I would have never expected Singapore to have such a legislation. Check this out.

http://theonlinecitizen.com/2009/09/in-spore-raping-your-wife-is-not-rape/

The 3 videos in there by GetReal, Channel News Asia, are really good. Do watch them if you have time.


Lastly, do go to the link below and sign the petition to repeal the Penal Code. They need 10000 signatures by 30 November, and they have only gathered around 2600 signatures so far. Spread the word!


Rape is rape. There are no exceptions.

to be judge, and to be judged

"afterall, sexuality is only a very small part of a person."

..and so are other small things that come together to be part of us. so how can we judge someone to be good or bad just based on a single quality?

for example, you may hate a person for doing something that you deem to be wrong. however, that's just one thing that this person has done in his life, as opposed to the many other good things that he may have done.

who are we to judge anyway? they might have reasons for their actions; and these reasons are borne out of other previous encounters. and these are in turn borne out of other situations again. also, are we going to count the number of good versus bad things this person has done, in order to determine his calibre? what if the "good deed" he has done is more "important" than the "bad deed"? what if he has good intentions for doing the "bad deed"? there are so many things to consider, that i think it is impossible for us to come to an unbiased decision about a person's character. passing out judgements is tiring and painful to both the judge and the judged.

may i keep this in mind whenever i start being critical of others, and also equally importantly, myself.


what i've been experiencing for the past few weeks and this video inspired this entry. thank you for the video dear!

good lessons may not be pleasant to the ears. it was unpleasant indeed, but essential.

learn and grow, learn and grow.

in a foreign land

went for my community based placement today.

realised loads of stuff. a great day for self-reflection.

being an asian (especially when you were born in asia) in a western country does have its problems. i feel that you take a longer time to get acknowledged. not so bad in uni, maybe because the tutors are used to and HAVE to try to reduce their biasedness; but not so elsewhere. sometimes it's because they take a longer time to warm up to you. sometimes maybe it's because you are less chatty than your western counterpart; you may be considered very good in your home country, but you will not be good enough here.

and it doesn't help when you have a more-than-excellent partner. where the amount of work you have done is normally thought to be of normal to above average standard, it's totally negated because your colleague's work is way beyond excellent. that's fine, and i totally respect my partner for her effort. the problem is, i get judged by others for being less than imperfect.

...sigh.

beri beri stress

my exam ended on wednesday. went out for a simple dinner on that day to celebrate.

and then, immediately, back to stress. didn't have enough sleep, no time to really relax, and have been trying to (and finally did) rush through my assignment.

can seriously feel my heart faltering as i was working through the night. sometimes i really wonder if my heart will suddenly just stop functioning. a very scary feeling.

and this is only the first half of sem 1! my goodness. death unto me.


on another note, check this out!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6ydZHy_KRXE

super hilarious!!

fly

a random post.

things i need: a new slingbag! the zipper on my yellow slingbag given to me by my cousin is spoiled :(.

things i want: to go to japan for exchange. i really, really want to go to japan. even if not for exchange, then for a backpacking trip with friends! but japan's an expensive place to go to :(. and i really should start learning japanese. should i go and buy or borrow a book/audiotape? hmms.

suddenly i really feel like going travelling. backpacking baby! :)


to xinhui: yar lor! hahaha. ok la let's be nice, he's not too bad la. he's pretty gd actually. he can be romantic if he wants to! ;p heee

and that's how the story goes

I Did Not Die

Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there, I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow;
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain;
I am the gentle autumn's rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush,
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft star that shines at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry.
I am not there; I did not die.

~Mary E. Frye

marry me?

ever heard of a marriage proposal by writing the words "marry me" across the sky, with the help of an aircraft? or like having a helicoptor fly with a banner tied to its tail with something sweet written on it?

yea, it's really common, especially on idol dramas and in manga etc. it's every girl's fantasy! or at least most of ours.

and you thought that it only exists in dreamy-hopeful-land?

guess what... no! today, while walking home with c, i saw in the sky "marry me?" in the sky. like OMG.

really want to tell wj abt it, like how romantic ppl can get (hahaha), but just in case he, or whoever else i tell, expresses disbelief, i'm all prepared to shoot them down! cuz i have proof!

check out the photos! it was hard trying to take them, cuz of the sun, the trees, the buildings.

...really sweet :).